Monday, December 15, 2008

running for your life

i originally planned to entitle today's post "running for my life," but as i began typing, i realized that is a fallacy. i am not, in fact, running for my life because, despite intense treatment through behavior modification, pharmaceuticals, therapy, journaling, yoga, massage therapy, etc., i am going to continue to operate at this obnoxious level of stress that will eventually kill me. therefore, i run so that it does not negatively impact your life, or someone you love's. hence..."running for your life." and, it's working. there were several people i did not kill today, in fact.

the day started out like every other day with my telling frida, "five more minutes; go lie down." after the normal getting-ready-for-work routine, i slipped into the wool, Banana Republic pants i bought on sale on saturday for $15 that i didn't even have to have shortened and my also-on-sale lavender sweater. then i donned my thrift-store-rabbit-fur-coat to complete the ensemble and walked out the door feeling deliciously, affordably rich. i also felt embraced by the universe. my power sign is the wolf, and i was wearing the rabbit, who would ensure that my basic needs were met and i suffered nothing. in theory.

the doors to my work car were frozen shut. all of them. and, the car was parked over a puddle that was now a sheet of ice making it impossible for me to get enough traction to kick the shit out of the doors. so i gave up. and drove my personal car. i felt i had slipped something past the gods that be. why do people say that? "the gods that be." the gods that be what? f-ing with me? how is that fair? i don't even BELIEVE in that god. anyway, he did not know i had a personal car. but he does now.

the morning passed fairly quickly without incident until i stepped onto the treadmill, ready to begin my maiden run. i have actually been running every other day for at least a week, but today was the real beginning, because i calibrated my Nike + iPod. the receiver could not "find" the sensor. so after taking my shoe off, resetting the sensor, and putting my shoe back on several times, and after having run several miles and working up a decent sweat. it worked. now, fortunately, i had to walk and then run several more miles to calibrate it. i was pissed. but i had prevailed.

late in the afternoon, i decided to go pick up my new commemorative item now that i had obtained the necessary documents. after driving less than 20 miles in one and one-half hours and inadvertently missing two toll booths, i arrived at the door of a run-down, ABANDONED storefront with a sign on the door that read, "we have moved to a new location!" exciting. you stupid... anyway. luckily, i was still in my personal car, where i have a garmin. upon my arrival, i was told by the obligatory female at the establishment that she wished i had called before driving out there because there was a mandatory waiting period. "oh, for shit's sake," i said. "you have GOT to be kidding me." she did not appear to be sufficiently intimidated by my five-ish foot frame wearing high heels and a rabbit fur coat, but i did refrain from making a scene, but only because i do not have a choice. a solitary utterance of profanity (i consider "shit" to be relatively benign, especially since i did not use it as a noun) would have earned me a meeting first thing tomorrow morning with my boss' boss' boss. that would have sucked. so, i filled out the paperwork, wished everyone a Merry Christmas, and went on my very unhappy way.

after another hour and one-half drive home, i had to wait to pull into my parking lot because some jackass is so proud of his having a penis that he must back his car into the parking space, even in a gated lot. i finally parked, managed to get inside without falling down on the icy lot, and discovered that frida had eaten the end of my rug. my rug that makes me happy. my rug that i just put on the kitchen floor this very weekend.

so again, running for your life.

here's a picture of a christmas present i made for frida this weekend. i am thinking about taking it back since she ate my rug. omg. i cannot believe i just said "she ate my rug." whatever.










after realizing that frida needed a diversion, i decided to let her play with peter, the gay, pink, squeaky rabbit. here's peter after about 30 seconds... those are his brains on her christmas present rug, which is not even hers yet!






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